Distilled Humour of the Internet
by Brother Validus
Summary: Exactly what it sound but not as sane as you might think.


most, if not all, has been copied from the black library forum. Everything belongs to GW. I have tried to put who it was nicked of as much as possible, but not to hard.

we accept no responsibility for you going insane/mad/demented/possessed/crazy or just plain nutty after reading this mess. All proceeds go to charity but as there are none thats just tough. all reviews are welcome and all flamers will be used as ammunition to throw at the C'tan (because they screwed up the fluffology).

* * *

A Tau Ethereal and two space marines of the Rainbow Warriors chapter are in the same room.

TE: can you be persuaded to join the Greater Good?  
RW1: woa man, your all, like, pink! (exhales a lot of smoke from 3 lungs)  
RW2:your all, 'I'm so faster than you' ZOOOOOOOM  
RW1:no man, it's the Red ones that go faster!  
RW2: no its not is so the pink ones  
RW1: Yo Dude its so the red ones. Remember the ork warboss we killed and he was all 'luk at da shiny red wartrukk'z, dey go well fasta'  
RW2: yeh, but if it was a gay ork he'd be so making the pink ones go faster.  
TE: so, are you going to join the Greater Good?  
RW1: no man your gay, cos you go faster.  
RW2: no man hes gay cos he's pink.  
RW1: no man he pink cos he go's goes faster.  
RW2: no he goes faster cos of the greater good  
RW1: then the greater good must be all pink  
TE:will you, or will you not join the Greater Good!!!  
RW:no man the Greater good is all gay and pink and doesn't go faster cos its not red, man.

And this is the reason you don't see the RW around much any more. They are still stuck in this pointless discussion over and over and over again.

By **Athenys. (From the black library forum, a true comedy genius) **

The final testimony of Gustaphus Adonais, executed heretic:

_"Fools!!! You prattle on about morality, ethics, and superiority! I, and I alone, have pierced the nightmare veil and glimpsed the truth of our existence! We are but pawns held in the hands of giant beings... great fleshy lumps that waddle and shout and laugh madly as they manipulate us for their fiendish delight! They paint us in pretty shades and set us one upon the other to fight like wild dogs for useless stretches of ground or purposeless 'objectives' on some world they invent out of their own twisted minds! We die, and rise, and die again at the turn of their dice, and there shall be no other fate... no salvation in the arms of the Emperor, no lasting haven in the Infinity Circuit, no Greater Good! Even Chaos itself is but the figment of these Giant Ones, who stand as high as seventy-two men, stacked one upon the other!!! We will fight and die for their amusement, until they tire of us. Then they will sell us to another of their kind, and the cycle will begin anew. I HAVE SEEN THIS!!! IT IS THE TRUUUUUTTTHHHHH!!!"_

By **Rahvin Dashiva (From the black library forum, another comedy genius)**

TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS

#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...

#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...

#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.

#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...

#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...

#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.

#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.

#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.

#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...

AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS...  
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.

A little long, but how about...

Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the  
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the  
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)  
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!  
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!  
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!  
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view  
of seven people behind them)  
AZRAEL- Alas!  
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?  
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase  
refreshments!  
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother  
Azrael?  
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!  
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,  
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the  
duration of this motion picture!  
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!  
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets  
for local currency!  
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)  
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong  
monkish ale for but one of us!  
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!  
(They all empty their pockets)  
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local  
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!  
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?  
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!  
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!  
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now  
to purchase strong monkish ale!  
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)  
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?  
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!  
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos  
sorcery!  
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my  
armour! Aaargh!  
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter  
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!  
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free  
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)  
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!  
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the  
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!  
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still  
must...  
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!  
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched  
gullets depend on my swiftness!  
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!  
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH  
ALE!  
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!  
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)  
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!  
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse  
their souls with righteous bolter fire!  
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!  
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row  
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)  
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...  
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark  
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!  
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!  
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...  
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...  
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)  
CYPHER- Why you little-!  
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)  
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!  
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire  
around randomly, slaughtering people)  
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things  
are invulnerable...  
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!  
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's  
forehead)  
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!  
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that  
protects me rolls three ones...  
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)  
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...  
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively  
and loom over Luther)  
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!  
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.  
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR  
YOUR TIME IS...  
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you  
die" thing...  
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!  
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,  
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda  
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some  
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.  
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!  
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are  
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never  
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for  
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,  
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow  
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on  
and so on.  
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been  
happily using for ten millennia...  
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!  
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never  
wore dresses!  
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...  
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a  
damn transvestite chapter!  
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-  
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!  
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...  
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to  
look at you.  
ASMODAI- But Sir...  
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.  
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther  
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)  
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.  
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...  
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?  
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?  
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark  
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...  
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?  
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to  
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to  
quit.  
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!  
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...  
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted  
to be the Star Child too...

THE END

By DAMONX9 (From the black library).

Welcome to Iron Chef 40K!!

Today we have two of the universes finest chefs competing against each other for the title of Iron Chef 40K!!

I'm your host for today Eldrad Utharan. We have seen some pretty strange ingredients in our time here on Iron Chef, but today our main ingredient that will be used in 3 separate dishes by our Chefs has to take the cake of cakes. But we will get to that in a moment. Let's meet out warriors for today's battle of the kitchen.

First up is the challenger hailing from the icy cold tundra of Fenris, It's the newly returned Leman Russ! He has been missing for who knows how long, but after seeing our show from wherever he was; He knew he had to be here.

Welcome to the show Mr. Russ

Leman: Thanks Eldrad, it's a pleasure to be here today.

Were glad to have you Russ.

Leman: I caught your talk show the other night Eldrad, love you band man, they ROCK!

Well, I did pick them myself, so ya…..they would.

Now lets meet the Iron Chef putting his title on the line today. It's none other than the spunky little guardsmen from the Cadian Corner restaurant, Private Samuel L. Jackson.!

Sam: Who the you calling spunky you . You don't think I'll come over there and your head with a fork made out of ? Huh? That's what I thought. M

Well you're just as nice as we remember you.

Leman: How is he here?

Sam is in everything.

Sam: How the are you here k.? Hairy, Chewbacca looking mu. I bet they can smell you all the way in the warp.

Leman: starts to get angry but then tries to meditate Cha cha cha cha….cha cha cah cah…I am beyond the use of force. I am a tamed wolf, I am ….

Sam: You are a

Leman: Must not reach for axe………..

ENOUGH!! This is a show about cooking; if you guys wanna fight then wait till after we fin the show.

And let us film it…..

All right as I stated we have seen some crazy main ingredients on this show. Ranging from the foul smelling but tasty squigs, to that thing that we found growing under the seats here. Which if you remember was also the episode that saw Typhus elevated to demon hood for his flaming pile of flies 4 layer cake. His dish was so good; people actually were trampling over each other to get away from its powerful taste. That's good cooking there folks.

But today we have a truly special gift for our battling chefs. I give you today's main ingredient.

FREASH LIVE CARNIFEX!!!

two cages are raised into the center of the stage, struggling in rage within each is a towering carnifex

Leman: O……k

Sam!

I thought that you guys would like it! Without further ado, you may both began, remember you need to make at least THREE different dishes! Lets see what you got!

Leman: Right I'm on it! takes a deep drink of a mug that mysteriously appears next to him

Sam: (drinks some water) K!

Now for those of you who have noticed the change in Mr. Russ here. He told us here that he would try his best to refrain from any killing as he has taken a vow of pacifism during his long time away. Why? We dont know, but it did help us pick out an interesting ingrediant for today.

We will see how long this peaceful way last…..

Leman starts to walk up to the first cage and tries to soothe the carnifex inside with song and dance

Sam walks up to the 2cd cage and then makes a phone call

Leman: Please!! Just let me have an arm or some plates….. I promise I wont hurt you to much. It will be painless… Look at me do I look like a man that would want to hurt you?

Carnifex in front of Leman stops and stares at him for a bit then it tries to reach out and stab him

Leman: Dam! Hey I am trying to be nice here, no come on just give me something here and I don't have to kill you, better yet, kill yourself and make it better for both of us.

Carnifex hisses and keeps trying to kill Russ

Sam: Well, well, well……….you big nasty cockroach. You think I am afraid to go in and cut you huh? You think I won't just come in there and get what I need?

Well you right . That's why I got my guard friends to help me out here.

Carnifex looks to its left as two hellhounds and some guardsmen walk on to the floor

Sam: Roast this !

Hellhounds open fire along with melta guns from the men around them,. The all watch as the Carnifex is burned alive in the cage.

Well folks as you can see it looks like getting this ingredient will take some skill and in the case of Sam there, a lot of "firepower" too.

We will be right back after these simple mesg from our sponsors.

commercial plays showing two marines running in a field together and smiling  
Space Marines, yes, they are THAT much better than guard, and they know it.  
another commercial play showing a Dark Eldar Archon passed out on the floor wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and holding a paintbrush  
Combat drugs…..they are JUST for COMBAT! If you or someone you know has a problem,….well it's the 41st millennium so no one cares. Deal with it!

ALRIGHT!! Welcome back to Iron Chef 40K!

Were almost out of time due to out ever decreasing budget here so were going to speed things up a bit.

Well take a look at the dishes the Chefs have made so far and declare the winner from that.

Leman, what do you have?

Leman: I have yet to convince this creature to allow me to use it's body in a peaceful way to make a delicious meal.

Ya, you keep with that Leman. Lets take a look at how Mr. Jackson is doing.

Sam: well as you can see Eldrad I have made 452 dishes of well done barbeque and it is all served on chitin plates. For that "extra" touch. Mu

Well this is a clear win here. The winner and still holding the title of IRON CHEF, is Samuel L. Jackson from the Cadian Corner! Congrats to you!

Leman: But its all one dish!

Sam: To your what? Zero dishes? ………….. and or you.

Leman: why do you always curse so much? Why do you treat me so? Why not act with the honor of a marine.

Sam: you and your marines! If I wanted to look like a dog and smell like the dumspter I would have asked for it.

Leman: THAT'S IT!, SCREW THIS!!!

Leman picks up axe and throws it at Sam L. Jackson, killing him

Leman: And you too!

Russ turns around and strangles carnifex in cage

I CANNOT FIND THE FIEND RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ONE.

The Night Before 986996.M41

'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station  
All there was clear, there was no abomination.

My helmet was set on the desk to my right,  
On the chance that I was to need it that night.

The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,  
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.

Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,  
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.

When out in the yard there arose such discord  
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.

Away to the window, I ran to take aim  
As the marines around me all did the same.

My bionic eye turned the night into day  
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.

When what did my loyal ocular show,  
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.

The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds  
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.

The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,  
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.

I gestured for other to shoot without pause,  
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.

"Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!  
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"

"You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!  
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"

But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,  
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof  
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.

Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,  
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.

I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,  
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.

Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -  
Charged into battle with my brave Space Marines.

As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,  
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.

Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,  
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.

The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,  
Our morale was strong, we did not retreat.

But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,  
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.

For each box contained a chaotic present -  
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.

A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,  
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.

It moved through the station and left in its wake,  
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruit cake.

The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,  
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.

The station was lost, I could only instruct  
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.

I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,  
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.

I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,  
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

"My Lord, I bring news."  
Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging. "Yes?"  
"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as elements of the Flesh Tearers."  
"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."  
"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"  
"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"  
"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."  
"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"  
"Positive, My Lord."  
"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"  
"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."  
"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"  
"The Alpha Legion, sire."  
"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"  
"Umm..."  
"What!"  
"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."  
"It is?!"  
"Yes."  
"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."  
"The Alpha Legion, sire."  
"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."  
"That is correct, sire."  
"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"  
"The Blood Drinkers."  
"One of ours?"  
"One of theirs."  
"OK."  
"The Iron Warriors."  
"One of theirs?"  
"No. One of ours."  
"Go figure."  
"The Dark Angels."  
"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"  
"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."  
"Bugger. So who else then?"  
"The Emperor's Children."  
"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."  
"Um, not exactly my Lord."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"  
"A few, Lord."  
"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."  
"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."  
"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"  
"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."  
"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."  
"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."  
"I thought they were renegade pirates."  
"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."  
"Oh. OK. Continue."  
"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."  
"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"  
"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."  
"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"  
"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."  
"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"  
"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."  
"Bloody hell. Is that it?"  
"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."  
"Such as..."  
"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."  
"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron  
Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."  
"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively oozes evil from every pore."  
"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."  
"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"  
"They used to be missionarys sire"  
"We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."  
"Yes my Lord"  
"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."  
"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."  
"You're kidding."  
"No, My Lord."

"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."  
"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."  
"Makes no bloody sense at all."  
"Yes, My Lord."  
"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."  
"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

By orcshavebadbo

One, two, three, four, five. Once I caught a 'Nid alive!

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Then I let it go again.

Why did you let it go, back into its breeding pool?

I had to let it go, because it was a 'Fex you fool!

THINGS YOU WILL **NEVER **SEE IN THE 40K UNIVERSE:

Space Marine Girl Scouts

Sisters of battle Fire Engine

Sane World Eaters

A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy

A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy

A Vegetarian Blood Angel

An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found

A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters

A Night Lord sunbathing

A plague marine polishing his armour

A Tau giving a high-five

A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)

A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind

The Golden Throne caretakers on strike

An assassin, before it's too late...

A remote controlled Necron

A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)

By Darkloch

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Space Marine: For the greater glory of the Emperor!

Chaos Space Marine: The road is the line of loyalty to the Emperor. You see, he is betraying the corpse on the throne.

Eldar: Foolish Mon-Kiegh, we used to rule the stars! Did you know that! We were so great, and yet you dare raise rebellion against us...

Dark Eldar: It must of known we were coming.

Necron: To feed the insaitable hunger of the Star Gods.

Tau: For the greater good.

Ordos Malleus: To escape the Daemon horde.

Ordos Hereticus: To become the Daemon Horde.

Ordos Xenos: Thats not a chicken! Thats a Type 3 Andrulax Poultry Scourge! Get down! (Pulls out Bolter)

Tyranids: To evolve.

Eldar (cont.): ...Upon thousands of worlds bent to our will. They were destroyed upon our merest whims! Oh back in 1986, we could have had it all, oh man if only the Farseer had let me in the game and off the bench. We could have gone far, we could have gone to NATIONALS. We were so great...

Imperial Guard: We were trying to cook it with our lasguns, but that only annoyed it so it left this side.

Kroot: Hey that my little brother! What in the bloody heck is that Xenos guy doing!

Armoured Company: Thats what that squishy sound was...

Alpha Legion: Our disguises worked!

Eldar (cont.): So of course I told em to sell thier stocks! Tallarn property was on the way up! But all the Farseers said hey that viral bombs gonna get ya. But did they listen? NOOO! We were far to alien to be trusted. So then they all died! Anyways...

Vallahans: In Vallaha, we have no roads. Just snow. Lots of snow. Lots and lots of snow.

Squats: (Unavailibe due to extinction.)

Orks: Where did ya say it wuz goin? I'm 'ungry!

Grot: Run for your lives! Its a chicken!

By Obscura Boy (this is the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life. I dare thee not to laugh muchly)

AdMech: Bring in the sacred device, Custodian!

Marine: Yes, let us seat our beloved Emperor on his new throne!

Custodian: Here you go, guys. The lads just dropped it off round the back. Bloody hell, but it's heavy!

AdMech: Sweet Omnissiah! On which forge world was this device constructed?

Custodian: Ikea, apparently.

Marine: Ikea? I have heard dark things about that corporation. Are we sure that we can trust these men?

Custodian: Of course, of course. Besides, I managed to pick up some Swedish meatballs while I was there.

AdMech: Ooh, yummy!

Marine: We can eat the meatballs later. For now, let us set up the Throne!

AdMech: Yes, yes of course (begins to chant and oil the device with holy unguents).

Custodian: Um, guys? I don't mean to worry you, but-

AdMech: Oh, sacred device, I appeal to your machine spirit...

Custodian: Yeah, um, could you just hold it for a minute, mate, there's a-

AdMech: ...to serve us dutifully and protect us from Internet spam-

Custodian: Never mind the frigging ancient rites! The instructions are written in bloody Swedish!

Marine: What?

Custodian: Yeah, look! I mean, what the hell's an _uderhagen_ when it's at home?

Marine: Damn! Where's a Space Wolf when you need him?

AdMech: I'll find us an Internet translator. I wonder if Babelfish will work...?

Custodian: And look! Half the pieces are missing! Talk about shoddy workmanship...

Marine: Silence! Begin construction!

_Several hours later. The Throne has been completed and the Admech priest is running systems checks._

AdMech: Right, I'll just check the astropathic links and Internet access...

Custodian: Impressive, ain't it? Apparently, this is the latest model, complete with reclining headrest and automatic toilet flush.

Marine: Very fancy indeed.

AdMech: Damn! The bloody thing's frozen!

Custodian: Let me have a go.

AdMech: Try Control-Alt-Delete!

Marine: Turn it off and on again!

AdMech: Call technical support!

Custodian: You're kidding right? Technical support? I'm not being put on hold and forced to listen to light music for half an hour all over again!

Marine: I am beginning to have doubts about this 'Ikea'. What is known of it?

AdMech: Travellers bring back tales of enormous buildings with no windows, over-friendly staff and endless mazes of shortcuts. Time passes slowly in these places. Pieces of furniture are given names like 'David' and 'Claire'. Customers are sold repulsive meatballs and sausages at the canteens. And in the heart of this abominable complex, customers sit in-between endless rows of stacked cardboard boxes, waiting for a man to bring them their desired product. That man will never come.

Marine: Nothing short of heresy! A full investigation will be launched.

Custodian: There you go! Fixed it!

AdMech: Ah, thank you Custodian. Now if you'll just let me-

Custodian: Hold on. It says here that I may have won an all-expenses paid trip to sunny Cadia. 'To enter this simple contest, click'-

Marine: Damned machine! It has been inflitrated by blasphemous spam!

_An hour later. The Emperor has been installed on the Throne._

AdMech: Okay. Activating...now.

(pause)

Marine: Is it working?

AdMech: I'm not sure...

Custodian: Um, guys? I don't mean to worry you, but the Big E isn't breathing. Or doing much else, for that matter.

AdMech: What? Trust Ikea to leave out the most important piece...

Marine: NOOOO! DAMN YOU, YOU IKEAN BASTARDS! DAMN YOOOUUUUU!

LordBaal

Questions best left unasked.

Tzeentch:  
What time is it?  
Yes, but what's the quick answer?  
Fancy a game of riddles?  
Ok, so what have I got in my pocket? Nope, it's not a tentacle, it's a ri… Oh.  
Just how hot _is _a fireball, then?

Khorne:  
Got a bandage handy?  
Can I have my arm back, please?  
What's your favourite colour?  
Want to sign up for that anti-war rally?

Nurgle:  
Who's up for something new?  
Want me to clean that up?  
Where are the showers?  
What did I just tread in?

Slaanesh:  
That was great! Shall we do it again?  
What can I do for you today?  
Wanna show me your good good lovin'?  
Is that Mr or Mrs?


End file.
